I have all these doubts and more. I feel revulsion when I see myself, especially in comparison to some of the most ‘passing’ trans girls and women. I feel as though I have really messed up by not being able to, not knowing how to, being too locked in and repressed to transition at the right age. Everything my mind could throw at me to avoid this it did, so I have had to unpack a load of crap that was put into me by society.

Finally taking the plunge and attempting transition has actually just confirmed my worst nightmares.

I pass completely as AGAB, so if I committed an act of self-harm by shaving off my hair from shoulder length back down to crop number four and grew a beard, nobody would be any the wiser.

If I do that, then they have won. This is one reason why I don’t care to inflict that damage upon myself.

I hid for all it’s worth because I was assumed to be gay and my mannerisms and ways of existing and presenting are not in tune with the traditional masculine set of expectations.

I have lost things - all the ‘friends’ are now distant and non-responsive. The <<family>> didn’t like my ultimatum, so it is a case of ‘yeet the bloods’; something long overdue for a whole raft of issues.

The thing I’ve noticed since attempting transition, is that I’ve become even more acutely conscious of all the bodily defects, as though they’ve been highlighted and made more prominent in my mind?

I should not have been such a coward (easy to be one with all the negative early-years influences), i should not have hidden from myself.

I still hold Society accountable though.